Vangetsu here, apparently it is review time. As if Jake
doesn't torture me enough now I have to do this from time to time. Oh well,
vampires don't sleep much anyway. It got him to install a computer in the lid
of my coffin so in the end I win. Allow me to explain a little bit about my
review system. It is basically the same as the key that uses five stars only
instead of stars I award bats. I'm a vampire after all. In two thousand years I
have seen everything from bards, Mozart live, Led Zeppelin live, and the very
first silent film ever released. Movies have came a long away throughout the
years and although there may be a lack of originality lately the special
effects have traversed light years.
The first movie up to bat is no stranger to time. It ties
into the longest running science fiction show of all time: Doctor Who. Those of
you who are familiar with Doctor Who know it has been around awhile. Since 1963
to be exact. During its tenure on the air a made for TV movie was made in 1996
simply titled Doctor Who: The Movie. This movie that held a Doctor Who
title...was a far cry from anything from the continuation of the series in 2005
starring Christopher Eccleston. Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, and Matt
Smith are all brilliant Doctors but Paul McGann left much to be desired. The
movie starts out pretty good with Sylvester McCoy the 7th Doctor reading a book
in his Tardis while traveling through space to deliver the remains of The
Master to Gallifrey. The creators of this movie decided to be clever and
reference a lot of timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly stuff... They had clocks galore,
the Doctor was reading H.G. Wells book The Time Machine, and a record player
started to skip and repeated the word "time" over...and over... and
over... and over. Did I mention there were clocks? They took the cleverness and
made it annoying. It was only a downhill adventure from here. The acting skills
or lack thereof did nothing to add any value whatsoever to this film. Eric
Roberts plays The Master, albeit after his character is possessed by the gelatinous
snake resembling a Stargate Gau'uld that was the "essence" of The
Master. After becoming The Master, Roberts did his best to channel The
Terminator and failed. Like much of its 90's brethren the film is chock full of
Chinese gangsters, oblivious women, morons galore (including a few brief scenes
with Will Sasso), and of course a millennium crisis because what else could
there be? I've been around more than two millennia and nothing happened either
time...the world keeps on turning. This movie is for die-hard Doctor Who fans
and is basically a filler between Doctor's. Keep that in mind before you sink
your teeth into it. It's a good thing that I don't know how to kill myself because
this film made the thought cross my mind. There is a Tardis and a Doctor and
the similarities to the new series stop there. My cat Odin only has one eye,
lucky little guy. No one should have to endure the content of this movie with
two eyes!
Final rating: 2 out of 5 Bats
~Vangetsu
No comments:
Post a Comment