Chernobyl Diaries: A steaming pile of nuclear waste
This movie starts out like a typical cliché, continues like
one, and ends as a cliché as well. If I had a dollar for every movie I’ve seen
like this then I could afford to take a European vacation and visit Dracula’s
castle where all vampires dream of visiting. The twenty-something’s in this
film had the money and time to travel so where do they go? A town in Russia called
Kiev where one of the vacationer’s brothers lives. They have a classic moment
where they are walking down the street and the women run into a group of other
guys and the main men of the group have to get in their face and then instead
of fighting (which would have made it more interesting) everyone just walks
off. The next day everyone except the brother that lives in Kiev is at
breakfast. Where is the brother you ask? Booking the group a motherf***ing trip
to go visit Chernobyl with a tour guide specializing in “extreme tourism”.
Along with Chernobyl he offers Titanic cruises, tsunami surfing, and volcano
diving. All of the women agree to go and so the last guy reluctantly agrees to
go (ironically since later he is one of the first to die). A couple of other
hikers show up at the last minute to join in (this is usually annoying, but on
the plus side you’re going to f***ing Chernobyl so it means there might be a
couple more people to die before you). They get a rickety old van and travel to
the town just outside of the blast zone! They are greeted at a gate by guards. The
guards will not let them in because there is “maintenance” going on. A smart
person would turn around, go home, and live happily ever after. These people
are everything except intelligent. Yuri, the guide knows a shortcut to the town
that isn’t known by many! They proceed in the rickety van down a rickety old
road. There is a lake with mutant fish in it they check out for a bit and then
they go check out the building. It’s a ghost town. One of the girls is a
photographer (naturally) so she is snapping pictures galore. Upon searching the
apartment complex they are attacked by a bear. Yes, a bear. They go back to the
van to leave. The van of course like every one of these movies will not start.
The leads have been severed. Yuri and Chris I think it was decide to go look
for a way to fix the van (after waiting for it to get dark). They get a little
ways away and are attacked but all you hear is gunshots and screaming (Oh yeah,
Yuri has a gun). The older brother from Kiev runs out to save his brother and
returns with him but he is injured. Yuri is gone, taken by something.
Presumably, the wolves or coyotes that afterwards attack the van. The next day
everyone except Chris and his girlfriend goes to look for a way to fix the van.
They come across a car dealership place and find a van exactly like theirs and
get some new cables. They explore a bus with bullet holes and are attacked by
wolves. Yuri is found sometime before this and something is eating him. They
maintain radio contact with the van. They get back however and the van is
destroyed. A camera reveals that it was attacked by something. They decide to
search around some more to find out what’s going on. They start disappearing
until all that’s left is the older brother and one of the girls. During being
chased they find themselves in more radioactive territory until their skin is
burning. They get out of the building and there are headlights and people in
suits. Help has arrived at last! They are saved! Except for they shoot the guy
and take the girl and throw her in a room with all of the patients that were
captured where she is expected to be eaten. It is revealed that the antagonist
for most of the film was escaped patients that were genetically mutated humans
and had developed a taste for flesh. Instead of doing what they should have
done and going a more supernatural route they decided to just drop a nuclear
bomb sized waste of cliché on us. Just because I am an immortal vampire does
not mean I enjoy my time being wasted. Thanks Hollywood for a whopping waste of
time…I still think that there should be an option for refunds if a movie sucks.
I’m still waiting for my check in the mail from George Clooney for his Batman
movies…
Final Rating: 1 out of 5 Bats
~Vangetsu
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