Battleship: 4 out of 5 Bats

Battleship: A movie that doesn’t sink.

Ok, this movie at first didn’t have a lot going for it. A premise that the makers were trying to heavily lean upon being a movie based off of a board game. Besides the title, the use of ships, and a pretty cool way of tracking the enemy the similarities stop there. Liam Neeson is in it as well which automatically boost its credibility. Credibility that is not even tainted that much by Rihanna being in the film. She does better than expected however. This movie is packed full of action and even has some moments of hilarity. This movie is worth seeing. If G.I. Joe had been more like this movie then perhaps it wouldn’t have sucked so badly. There are some typical action clichés but nothing too not overly done. Earth sends a beacon to another planet and the planet responds by sending an invasion, a move that one of the scientists completely called and got to bask in a brief “I told you so”. The main character hits on a hot girl by stealing a chicken burrito from a gas station which he delivers to her while getting hit with a stun gun. The hot girl just so happens to be an Admiral’s daughter whom is the main character Hopper’s brother’s boss. The aliens have superior technology to us but the ships still have to kind of flop over the water. The mothership creates a bubble barrier that blocks any help from getting in so there are limited ships available. They do a great job of gaining the upper hand until one of the smart Japanese guys comes up with a water displacement plan to track where they are because they do not appear on the radar normally. This works for taking out most of the ships. Including a part where we use the sun against them because the aliens’ eyes are kind of like this one guys pet frogs and he remembers the frog going crazy from not being able to see. This works really well. Afterwards the mothership sends some of the chainsaw balls they have been using throughout and demolishes the ship. Everyone on the ship still alive escapes on life boats. The aliens have setup communications by some satellites and have destroyed the last ship left or have they? Hopper spots an old museum ship. There are a bunch of old veterans on board. Hopper gets them to help in the fight by taking the battleship out for one last ride. Apparently, they keep live ammunition on museum ships too! They embark out to attack the mothership. Hopper gives some orders for some crazy ship steering and quotes Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” as he gives the command to fire and blows part of the ship including the parts that created the bubble shield earlier. They are down to one round which they send at the satellites to interrupt the transmission and pray. With the bubble shield down this frees up reinforcements that have no trouble taking out what is left of the enemy. Everyone lives happily ever after! Except everyone that dies of course.

Final Rating: 4 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Chernobyl Diaries: 1 out of 5 Bats

Chernobyl Diaries: A steaming pile of nuclear waste

This movie starts out like a typical cliché, continues like one, and ends as a cliché as well. If I had a dollar for every movie I’ve seen like this then I could afford to take a European vacation and visit Dracula’s castle where all vampires dream of visiting. The twenty-something’s in this film had the money and time to travel so where do they go? A town in Russia called Kiev where one of the vacationer’s brothers lives. They have a classic moment where they are walking down the street and the women run into a group of other guys and the main men of the group have to get in their face and then instead of fighting (which would have made it more interesting) everyone just walks off. The next day everyone except the brother that lives in Kiev is at breakfast. Where is the brother you ask? Booking the group a motherf***ing trip to go visit Chernobyl with a tour guide specializing in “extreme tourism”. Along with Chernobyl he offers Titanic cruises, tsunami surfing, and volcano diving. All of the women agree to go and so the last guy reluctantly agrees to go (ironically since later he is one of the first to die). A couple of other hikers show up at the last minute to join in (this is usually annoying, but on the plus side you’re going to f***ing Chernobyl so it means there might be a couple more people to die before you). They get a rickety old van and travel to the town just outside of the blast zone! They are greeted at a gate by guards. The guards will not let them in because there is “maintenance” going on. A smart person would turn around, go home, and live happily ever after. These people are everything except intelligent. Yuri, the guide knows a shortcut to the town that isn’t known by many! They proceed in the rickety van down a rickety old road. There is a lake with mutant fish in it they check out for a bit and then they go check out the building. It’s a ghost town. One of the girls is a photographer (naturally) so she is snapping pictures galore. Upon searching the apartment complex they are attacked by a bear. Yes, a bear. They go back to the van to leave. The van of course like every one of these movies will not start. The leads have been severed. Yuri and Chris I think it was decide to go look for a way to fix the van (after waiting for it to get dark). They get a little ways away and are attacked but all you hear is gunshots and screaming (Oh yeah, Yuri has a gun). The older brother from Kiev runs out to save his brother and returns with him but he is injured. Yuri is gone, taken by something. Presumably, the wolves or coyotes that afterwards attack the van. The next day everyone except Chris and his girlfriend goes to look for a way to fix the van. They come across a car dealership place and find a van exactly like theirs and get some new cables. They explore a bus with bullet holes and are attacked by wolves. Yuri is found sometime before this and something is eating him. They maintain radio contact with the van. They get back however and the van is destroyed. A camera reveals that it was attacked by something. They decide to search around some more to find out what’s going on. They start disappearing until all that’s left is the older brother and one of the girls. During being chased they find themselves in more radioactive territory until their skin is burning. They get out of the building and there are headlights and people in suits. Help has arrived at last! They are saved! Except for they shoot the guy and take the girl and throw her in a room with all of the patients that were captured where she is expected to be eaten. It is revealed that the antagonist for most of the film was escaped patients that were genetically mutated humans and had developed a taste for flesh. Instead of doing what they should have done and going a more supernatural route they decided to just drop a nuclear bomb sized waste of cliché on us. Just because I am an immortal vampire does not mean I enjoy my time being wasted. Thanks Hollywood for a whopping waste of time…I still think that there should be an option for refunds if a movie sucks. I’m still waiting for my check in the mail from George Clooney for his Batman movies…

Final Rating: 1 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Dark Shadows: 3 out of 5 Bats

The next movie up to bat is Dark Shadows. I’m a vampire and the main character in the story is a vampire. Not only that, he is played by Johnny Depp one of the greatest actors of this century! I have not seen the older Dark Shadows series but this movie was a pretty fun romp for what it was. Depp teams up with his good pals Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter for the umpteenth time while Chloe Moretz probably fulfills one of her dreams to work with the both of them. Michelle Pfeiffer appears as the new head of the Collins family. Angelique is the main antagonist of the film and she one of the most annoying beings ever! She has an affair with Barnabus Collins (Johnny Depp) and year’s later tries to rekindle it. AFTER she already knows he is in love with someone else and set to get married. Most people would be sad but she is a witch so she takes it horribly by being sad and then setting out to destroy everything about Barnabus and the entire Collins family because well, she is a jealous witch (feel free to interchange the w with a b, it works both ways). Angelique cast a spell on Jolette, Barnabus’ bride to be that makes her jump off a cliff and kill herself. Barnabus doesn’t want to live without her so he throws himself off. Instead of dying, he gets back up and transforms into a vampire. Apparently, witches can cast spells to turn people into vampires now. I know witches and I know vampires and it just doesn’t work. Angelique doesn’t stop there, she turns the entire town against Barnabus and they have a classic angry lynch mob moment where they bury him in an iron coffin so he forced to be buried alive. He stays buried for 200 years…yeah, you read that right. 200 years of being buried in the Earth with nothing to think about but that evil b…or witch that killed his family and buried him alive. My entire family was killed two but had I been buried alive for that long then nothing could contain my killing spree! Barnabus is uncovered by the construction of a McDonalds. The only thing that may have been more ironic is Starbucks. He goes back to his home where he finds that his family that the town was named after and had a booming business at one time had been failing due to Angelique started a rival business just to really drive the stake home and prove what an obsessive wag she is. She finds out Barnabus is free and continues to torture him. Helena Bonham Carter plays a drunken doctor, Chloe Moretz a typical picture of teenage angst, and the youngest member of the family a little boy whose mother was killed in a ship wreck (caused by Angel-fricking-ique) but he still saw her in Ghost form. A new girl moves into the Collins house to take care of the kids and Barnabus falls in love with her. Angelique is STILL carrying a torch (are you seeing a pattern here?) and she decides to make his new love interest jump off a cliff as well. Barnabus builds a new cannery which Angelique blows to kingdom come and arranges yet ANOTHER lynch mob to attack Barnabus. He calls her out this time and they get into a showdown thus proving that she is a witch with supernatural powers. She calls upon the spirit of the house which causes wood carvings to come alive and attack everyone. Barnabus fends off some of them, Chloe Moretz turns into a werewolf (another tragedy caused by Angelique), and the boy is standing there scared. Angelique turns her attention to him and his ghost mother takes her down. Barnabus still has to go save his new love interest Victoria. She jumps against her will and he jumps down with her and turns her before they hit the rocks. They have a happily ever after…except for what resides in the water. There will most likely be a sequel. Overall this movie wasn’t the greatest but it was fun because Depp is fun. As a vampire I was slightly disappointed. Nothing will ever top the disappointment of when I watched Twilight though. Someone found out I was a vampire and began stalking me. She gave me her address and said she would leave the window open so I could watch her sleep and everything. I think her name was Hayley. She discovered I lived at the cemetery and would wait for me every night when I returned home. She wanted to become a vampire. I asked her why she was so interested in me and she whipped the cursed DVD Twilight. Foolishly I let her in and we watched it. Odin knew better. He watched the first five minutes with us and ran off presumably to scratch his other eye out. Making me watch that was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me since my family was killed. She wanted to become a vampire so I obliged and turned her. She was so happy…at least until I asked her to run outside so I could see her sparkle. Never have I ever been happier to see someone burst into flames! Vampires DO NOT sparkle. Dark Shadows gets kudos from me for staying away from sparkling nonsense. Bonus kudos for throwing in a performance by Alice Cooper!

Final Rating: 3 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Doctor Who: The Movie, 2 out of 5 Bats

Vangetsu here, apparently it is review time. As if Jake doesn't torture me enough now I have to do this from time to time. Oh well, vampires don't sleep much anyway. It got him to install a computer in the lid of my coffin so in the end I win. Allow me to explain a little bit about my review system. It is basically the same as the key that uses five stars only instead of stars I award bats. I'm a vampire after all. In two thousand years I have seen everything from bards, Mozart live, Led Zeppelin live, and the very first silent film ever released. Movies have came a long away throughout the years and although there may be a lack of originality lately the special effects have traversed light years.

The first movie up to bat is no stranger to time. It ties into the longest running science fiction show of all time: Doctor Who. Those of you who are familiar with Doctor Who know it has been around awhile. Since 1963 to be exact. During its tenure on the air a made for TV movie was made in 1996 simply titled Doctor Who: The Movie. This movie that held a Doctor Who title...was a far cry from anything from the continuation of the series in 2005 starring Christopher Eccleston. Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, and Matt Smith are all brilliant Doctors but Paul McGann left much to be desired. The movie starts out pretty good with Sylvester McCoy the 7th Doctor reading a book in his Tardis while traveling through space to deliver the remains of The Master to Gallifrey. The creators of this movie decided to be clever and reference a lot of timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly stuff... They had clocks galore, the Doctor was reading H.G. Wells book The Time Machine, and a record player started to skip and repeated the word "time" over...and over... and over... and over. Did I mention there were clocks? They took the cleverness and made it annoying. It was only a downhill adventure from here. The acting skills or lack thereof did nothing to add any value whatsoever to this film. Eric Roberts plays The Master, albeit after his character is possessed by the gelatinous snake resembling a Stargate Gau'uld that was the "essence" of The Master. After becoming The Master, Roberts did his best to channel The Terminator and failed. Like much of its 90's brethren the film is chock full of Chinese gangsters, oblivious women, morons galore (including a few brief scenes with Will Sasso), and of course a millennium crisis because what else could there be? I've been around more than two millennia and nothing happened either time...the world keeps on turning. This movie is for die-hard Doctor Who fans and is basically a filler between Doctor's. Keep that in mind before you sink your teeth into it. It's a good thing that I don't know how to kill myself because this film made the thought cross my mind. There is a Tardis and a Doctor and the similarities to the new series stop there. My cat Odin only has one eye, lucky little guy. No one should have to endure the content of this movie with two eyes!

Final rating: 2 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Greetings All!

Jake here, I am launching this blog as a creative outlet. The majority of posts will be done through the perspective of Vangetsu, the main protagonist of the novel I am currently working on entitled Bad Blood Rising. Just for fun, Vangetsu will be offering reviews of basically anything and everything. Sprinkled within the reviews and periodically, the blog may contain some of Vangetsu's thoughts throughout the writing process of the novel as I torture him and make him wish he was never created. Vangetsu is a vampire that is over two centuries old so he has a unique perspective to offer. He has superhuman speed and strength not to mention he is practically indestructible. One of his abilities that is unique to him is the ability to control his blood as if each cell were its own appendage. When he bleeds, it isn't necessarily a good thing. The title of this blog is Vangetsu's Coffin which is where most of the posts will be written from. Please check out my other links to the side of the page. Add me on Goodreads, Library Thing, and/or Facebook. I am also on Twitter @jjeffries1776.

Now, I shall pass the ball on to Vangetsu...

Thanks,

Jake Jeffries