Noah

Greetings everyone! I am back by popular demand. Jake has been merciless with his continued torture. Odin keeps him at bay a little bit, as long as I keep him fed. Not even Jake messes with the Cat of Death. I am still with the Legion; they have also appointed me a flamboyantly gay partner.  He is pretty cool though. I give him a lot of flack but in the end it is nice having him around to watch my back. Odin hasn’t expressed any dislike towards him either; so hopefully he lives long and prospers. Sometimes it is kind of creepy feeling like someone is in control of every little thing that happens in your life. It’s almost like being a protagonist in a tragic novel at times. If it wasn’t for that fact that I feel some of the crap that happens to me couldn’t possibly be made up I would have a complex. Odin is pawing and meowing at me so I must go feed him. I will be back in a moment…

OK! Now it is movie review time. This time I get the pleasure of traveling back in time to an era that preceded my birth. 

Noah

“My father said there can be no king. The Creator is God.” –Ham in Noah (2014)

First off, I would like to address a lot of the controversy surrounding this film. There are many sources that are bashing it for not using the word God even once. Please refer to the above quote from the film. There are many others that are bashing it for not following the Old Testament to a T or that it wasn’t the Noah that was depicted in their Children’s story book they read as a child. Grow the hell up. Most of the comments I have seen about this film that complain about it not holding to scripture are transformed into a moot point later when the commenter says, “Well, in my imagination it went this way.” Point is; this film is the point of view of the Noah epic tale that resides in Darren Aronofsky’s imagination. Truth is; no one really knows what happened exactly during that time except for the people that were alive then and God himself. Also, God is an English translation from the Hebrew text of the four letter name YHWH (Yahweh) which isn’t mention in the film. God is clearly mentioned once, and he is referred to as “the Creator” otherwise. Who would “the Creator” be if not God? In addition, for reference purposes the movie does not mention “He Who Is”, “I Am that I Am”, “Tetragrammation”, “Jehovah”, “Allah”, etc. It also does not mention “He who shall not be named”.

The movie does a great job of filling us in on iconic events such as the creation of the Universe, Cain killing Abel, the sin of Adam and Eve, and the descendants of Cain and Seth. There are multiple scenes that support the preservation of life and the world that God has given us. Most people should have a basic fundamental understanding of the story of Noah. The wickedness of man has gone too far. Noah and his family are the only ones that God can entrust with following his instructions to build an ark in order to save the species of the world and rid the world of the wickedness of the times.

Some of the major changes from the biblical text are as follows. Instead of the fallen angels mating with the human women and forming the first giants the fallen angels are actually supporters of humanity that were cursed by being encapsulated in stone. They are shown as stone giants called Watchers that have since lost their respect for humanity due to the wickedness of the descendants of Cain. They do however have respect for Methuselah the oldest man alive and Grandfather of Noah. They also respect God the Creator of all. They are shown at times begging for a conference with their Creator and wishing to be back in Heaven. Noah is supplied with the wood and resources to build the ark by planting a magic seed originally from the Garden of Eden given to him by Methuselah. After witnessing a miracle, the Watchers agree to aid Noah with his task of building an ark and protect him from the descendants of Cain. There is what I am going to refer to as “The Battle of the Ark” where the descendants of Cain wish to take over the ark for themselves after it starts to rain. The Battle of the Ark is one of the best scenes in the movie. When the Watchers are killed it shows them asking for their Creator’s forgiveness and being called home to Heaven for helping Noah with his task. The beams from Heaven calling the Watchers home cause the descendants of Cain to be scattered. After all of the Watchers have fallen water starts to erupt from the ground in torrents in order to flood the world faster.

The things that take away from the film are mostly the drama with Noah’s family. Ham is mega-douche. He however has three redeeming moments that at the end of the movie make him a better character but still he was annoying. The first moment is the quote at the beginning of the review, the second is when he tries to save the woman from the pit, and the third is when he kills the descendant of Cain. Most of his redeeming points could have been avoided if he had not been in heat searching for a wife and again when he nurses the descendant of Cain back to health. Ham in indirectly responsible for the extinction of however many species the descendant of Cain eats during the entire flood which lasts around nine months. Ham also lied to Methuselah about taking him some berries; fucking jerk. Odin agrees with me. If your great-grandfather is around a thousand years old you take him some damn berries.

Methuselah is one of my favorite characters from the film. He has some great witty moments and even heals the barren girl who is Shem’s love interest. She is barren because of an attack on her as a child by the descendants of Cain. Methuselah is out in the woods searching for berries because Ham is a douche. Ila the barren girl walks up to him and discusses basically how she isn’t worthy of Shem because she can’t provide him with children. Methuselah touches her abdomen and heals her. She obviously feels a shift inside of her. The next part confused me. She runs off and has sex with Shem. They are supposed to be looking for Ham but they decide to take a break. Later, Ila is surprised that she is pregnant. Wasn’t the whole point of the sex to reveal how excited you were that Methuselah healed you? Why are you surprised you are now pregnant?

Noah is furious about the pregnancy. He believes that humanity was supposed to die out after the flood. He tells Ila and Shem that if they have a girl he will cut her down. Ila gives birth to twin girls. A sign that Naameh, Noah’s wife takes to mean that now there are wives for the other two sons Ham and Japheth. At the time of limited people, it was not unusual for families to marry within each other; Uncle-Husbands, Cousin-wives, etc. Noah still thinks this is poppycock. He has a change of heart and lets them live. God the Creator stops talking to him for awhile which Noah took to mean that he did something wrong. I kept thinking that it was God’s way of saying, “Hey, something is wrong. A descendant of Cain is killing creatures on the ship. Take care of him!” Why Noah translated the silence to mean kill babies I have no clue. I imagine God thinking, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, why in the Holy name of Me do you think I wanted you to kill babies? Perhaps you have had too much to drink Noah. Lay off the juice for bit would you?”

In the end, there was a rainbow; God’s promise to never flood the Earth again. There are much worse films to watch than Noah. It has some flaws (none of which have anything to do with the current controversy surrounding the film) but it is worth checking out. There are some really cool cinematography moments when Noah is submerged in the water, the creation of the Universe, and of course The Battle of the Ark. However, the creation of the Universe scene and the passing of time scene when the Garden of Eden seed was growing are quite jerky and nauseating much like the plague of cameras in found footage films.

Final Rating: 3 out of 5 Bats.

~ Vangetsu

Revolution “The Pilot” 5 out of 5 Bats

Revolution “The Pilot” 5 out of 5 Bats

Revolution: Revolutionary new show, best pilot I have seen since The Walking Dead!

Hello everyone! I’m back finally. A lot has happened since the last time you heard from me. Sorry about the hiatus, Odin was kidnapped, my house was burnt down, and I was imprisoned for some time. Everything is better now; I joined an organization called The Legion of Light. It’s composed of mostly wizards and witches. With my new duties there, I will not be able to go back to the amount of reviews I was posting but I am going to try and do at least one a month starting with this special TV version review for Revolution. Revolution starts out with a couple of children watching Looney Tunes cartoons. Bugs Bunny is searching for a Gremlin. Having seen the Gremlin episode of Looney Tunes (Falling Hare) before this is a special Easter egg. Anyone familiar with the episode knows that Bugs gets terrorized by the Gremlin in the whole episode. The Gremlin is trying to wreck the plane with Bugs on it during part of it. Revolution is a show based around technology no longer existing and shortly after the Looney Tunes scene a plane is seen falling from the sky after technology starts failing. Rachel (Elizabeth Mitchell) the Mother of the two children is talking to her Mother. Her husband Ben (Tim Guinee) rushes in the door with a box. He is anxious about something. He tells his wife to fill the sinks and bathtub with water because they are going to need it. A look of realization crosses over Rachel’s face as she asks, “It’s happening isn’t it?” meaning that they both knew something about technology coming to an end before it actually happened. Ben calls his brother Miles (Billy Burke) to warn him. Miles is riding in a car with a friend of his. The power goes out. Ben and Rachel look out the door and see a plane crashing and the rest of the power as far as the eye can see being shut off. Fifteen years passes. Shots of fallen cities are shown. It talks about how Governments are no longer in power. Militias have formed. Ben is living in a new neighborhood and is romantically involved with a new woman Maggie (Anna Lise Phillips) who is acting as the town doctor. Enter Charlie (Tracy Spiridakos) and Danny (Graham Rogers), Ben and Rachel’s children. They are the children from the beginning and are out “hunting”. Danny has an asthma attack on their hunt and they rush back to the town. Maggie aids Danny with a natural remedy for asthma. Charlie is shown admiring a postcard collection. It is a very peaceful little village, until Monroe’s Militia shows up being led by Tom (Giancarlo Esposito). They are looking for Ben and Miles. Danny intervenes and Ben ends up taking a bullet for him. The militia takes Danny in his father’s place. Charlie hears the gunshot and comes running. She is with her father when he passes. He tells her to go to Chicago and find his brother Miles. He can help get Danny back because he is good at killing people. Charlie, Maggie, and Aaron (Zak Orth) one of Ben’s other friends from the village leave for Chicago. Aaron is holding on to a pendant that Ben gave him earlier; a pendant that is also seen in the beginning. Charlie has a brief encounter with an archer in the woods going by the name Nate (JD Pardo). The group find a plane and we find out Aaron used to be an executive with Google and owned some planes prior to the event. They search the plane for supplies and are attacked by a rogue group of men. We learn that Maggie is also proficient with poisons when two of them drink some alcohol laced with something and cough up blood. Nate comes back and saves Charlie by putting an arrow through her attacker. Conveniently, he is also headed to Chicago. Danny is shown with the Militia captives and breaks free. He stumbles into the yard of a woman named Grace (Maria Howell). He passes out from an asthma attack. He wakes up with a gun pointed at him and Grace throws him an inhaler. Charlie and the group arrive in Chicago and find The Grand hotel where Miles is supposed to be. The bartender is Miles but the group doesn’t know that. Charlie asks him where Miles is and he asks why they are looking for him. He tells Charlie to come with him and Nate says he isn’t taking her anywhere while pulling a knife. Miles takes the knife and puts it to Nate’s neck. He tells them that he is Miles, Charlie is his niece, and the rest of them are staying there because he doesn’t know them. Miles takes Charlie to a different room and tells her that he can’t help. She throws a fit and wants to leave. When she gets back to Nate, Miles reveals that Nate is a member of the Militia. Nate leaves. Miles says that he will be back, pulls out a bottle of scotch, and screams at everyone to leave. Sure enough, Nate comes back with about a dozen soldiers. This sets up an epic battle between Miles and the Militia. Miles makes short work out of most of them in a display of ass whoopin’ greatness that I couldn’t have done better myself (Ok, maybe I could). Charlie and the gang return to help Miles (Personally, I think he would have been fine). Charlie almost gets killed while reloading a crossbow but Nate saves her. The Militia is defeated and Miles reveals why the Militia might be after them. He decides that he will need to go with the group and leave The Grand. Monroe the leader of the Militia is the friend of Miles from the beginning of the episode! It goes back to Danny. He is asleep at Grace’s house. The Militia show up and force their way inside. After they leave, she pulls out a pendant like the one in the beginning. She presses a switch and your mind is blown. Electric lights come on in the house and her computer fires up. She has a short conversation with someone using the computer and the show ends.

Technology isn’t completely dead! That means that it was intentionally shut off for a reason. To what purpose does it serve? Destroying all government and throwing the world into chaos? What is so special about the people who were given pendants? Miles has a military background, but to what extent that makes him such a badass? What kind of fallout did he have with Monroe? Rachel is presumably dead, but yet it shows Elizabeth Mitchell credited for all of the episodes filmed so far. The answer to the last question could be maybe they are going to explore the last 15 years in flashbacks. This would be consistent with the methodology used by J.J. Abrams. Also, there is a scene where it flashes back to Ben getting out a tub of ice cream and the family just eating all of it right there. With no power it will melt, so why not enjoy the little things while they can right? I am going to call this the best new show to watch. Jon Favreau directs (Iron Man), J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias, Star Trek) produces, and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) creates and writes. This is a trifecta of awesomeness that mashes together the perfect storm of elements for a post-apocalyptic science fiction show. Odin my cat complains that there not many pets seen in the show. Particularly there are no cats. Also, major kudos to Billy Burke he went from being the best part of Twilight (if it had one) to being a badass ninja assassin.

I got to go now. The Legion is calling. Stay tuned for the next movie review which will be for Looper starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis

Final Rating: 5 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Prometheus 5 out of 5 Bats and Short Story Contest

Vangetsu here, the boss is having me promote a short story contest he has entered. The title of the story is Fair Trade and can be voted for here: http://anythingtoread.com/shortstorycontest.asp

Prometheus
Big things have small beginnings indeed!

Prometheus is one of the greatest films of the year so far. Especially, if you are familiar with the Alien background of Ridley Scott. This is classic science fiction at its best. Ridley Scott gains back control over the studios that crucified the last two films in the Alien franchise (Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection). Joss Whedon couldn’t do anything to save Resurrection. All of the Alien movies go together but 3 to me is the weakest of the series. Resurrection is still really fun, and even shows the beginnings of River Tam (for you Firefly folks out there). But overall Prometheus to me is the best in the series. There is a gruesome C-Section scene that is meant to get a foreign element out of the body (hint: It’s a damn alien!). Charlize Theron plays an evil queen type of role (did she play the same role she play in Snow White and the Huntsman?). The android is slightly evil yet a really cool character. One of those you hate them and love them types. You get to see the beginning of the evolution of the aliens from Alien and a ship that is just like the one from the first Alien. The “Engineers” are pretty cool looking and pretty pissed off at humans for what they have evolved into. The Engineers are who created humans and aliens. The aliens of course were meant to be more of a weapon. I am curious as to who created the Predators. The Predators would’ve had a little more trouble with the giant elephant sized face hugger that is seen in this film. They do a great job of making the experience as unpleasant on the victim as possible. I’m not going to do a major play by play like in the past. After all, you still may not have seen the film! If you like classic sci-fi, liked the previous alien films, or are just looking for a great action packed space adventure. This movie is for you!

Final Rating: 5 out of 5 Bats

P.S. Congratulations to Prometheus for being the first 5 out 5 on the blog and one of the best movies of the year so far. The Avengers (which I did not review) is the only movie so far this year that I think tops Prometheus. The Avengers is off the scale crazy good and one of the greatest movies of all time. Not seeing The Avengers should be considered a sin and as a bounty hunter of sin I just might have to hunt you down…

~Vangetsu

P.S.S. I also want it to be noted, that by the end of the movie. I wanted to uppercut Charlize Theron's characted into the sun. 

Battleship: 4 out of 5 Bats

Battleship: A movie that doesn’t sink.

Ok, this movie at first didn’t have a lot going for it. A premise that the makers were trying to heavily lean upon being a movie based off of a board game. Besides the title, the use of ships, and a pretty cool way of tracking the enemy the similarities stop there. Liam Neeson is in it as well which automatically boost its credibility. Credibility that is not even tainted that much by Rihanna being in the film. She does better than expected however. This movie is packed full of action and even has some moments of hilarity. This movie is worth seeing. If G.I. Joe had been more like this movie then perhaps it wouldn’t have sucked so badly. There are some typical action clichés but nothing too not overly done. Earth sends a beacon to another planet and the planet responds by sending an invasion, a move that one of the scientists completely called and got to bask in a brief “I told you so”. The main character hits on a hot girl by stealing a chicken burrito from a gas station which he delivers to her while getting hit with a stun gun. The hot girl just so happens to be an Admiral’s daughter whom is the main character Hopper’s brother’s boss. The aliens have superior technology to us but the ships still have to kind of flop over the water. The mothership creates a bubble barrier that blocks any help from getting in so there are limited ships available. They do a great job of gaining the upper hand until one of the smart Japanese guys comes up with a water displacement plan to track where they are because they do not appear on the radar normally. This works for taking out most of the ships. Including a part where we use the sun against them because the aliens’ eyes are kind of like this one guys pet frogs and he remembers the frog going crazy from not being able to see. This works really well. Afterwards the mothership sends some of the chainsaw balls they have been using throughout and demolishes the ship. Everyone on the ship still alive escapes on life boats. The aliens have setup communications by some satellites and have destroyed the last ship left or have they? Hopper spots an old museum ship. There are a bunch of old veterans on board. Hopper gets them to help in the fight by taking the battleship out for one last ride. Apparently, they keep live ammunition on museum ships too! They embark out to attack the mothership. Hopper gives some orders for some crazy ship steering and quotes Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” as he gives the command to fire and blows part of the ship including the parts that created the bubble shield earlier. They are down to one round which they send at the satellites to interrupt the transmission and pray. With the bubble shield down this frees up reinforcements that have no trouble taking out what is left of the enemy. Everyone lives happily ever after! Except everyone that dies of course.

Final Rating: 4 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Chernobyl Diaries: 1 out of 5 Bats

Chernobyl Diaries: A steaming pile of nuclear waste

This movie starts out like a typical cliché, continues like one, and ends as a cliché as well. If I had a dollar for every movie I’ve seen like this then I could afford to take a European vacation and visit Dracula’s castle where all vampires dream of visiting. The twenty-something’s in this film had the money and time to travel so where do they go? A town in Russia called Kiev where one of the vacationer’s brothers lives. They have a classic moment where they are walking down the street and the women run into a group of other guys and the main men of the group have to get in their face and then instead of fighting (which would have made it more interesting) everyone just walks off. The next day everyone except the brother that lives in Kiev is at breakfast. Where is the brother you ask? Booking the group a motherf***ing trip to go visit Chernobyl with a tour guide specializing in “extreme tourism”. Along with Chernobyl he offers Titanic cruises, tsunami surfing, and volcano diving. All of the women agree to go and so the last guy reluctantly agrees to go (ironically since later he is one of the first to die). A couple of other hikers show up at the last minute to join in (this is usually annoying, but on the plus side you’re going to f***ing Chernobyl so it means there might be a couple more people to die before you). They get a rickety old van and travel to the town just outside of the blast zone! They are greeted at a gate by guards. The guards will not let them in because there is “maintenance” going on. A smart person would turn around, go home, and live happily ever after. These people are everything except intelligent. Yuri, the guide knows a shortcut to the town that isn’t known by many! They proceed in the rickety van down a rickety old road. There is a lake with mutant fish in it they check out for a bit and then they go check out the building. It’s a ghost town. One of the girls is a photographer (naturally) so she is snapping pictures galore. Upon searching the apartment complex they are attacked by a bear. Yes, a bear. They go back to the van to leave. The van of course like every one of these movies will not start. The leads have been severed. Yuri and Chris I think it was decide to go look for a way to fix the van (after waiting for it to get dark). They get a little ways away and are attacked but all you hear is gunshots and screaming (Oh yeah, Yuri has a gun). The older brother from Kiev runs out to save his brother and returns with him but he is injured. Yuri is gone, taken by something. Presumably, the wolves or coyotes that afterwards attack the van. The next day everyone except Chris and his girlfriend goes to look for a way to fix the van. They come across a car dealership place and find a van exactly like theirs and get some new cables. They explore a bus with bullet holes and are attacked by wolves. Yuri is found sometime before this and something is eating him. They maintain radio contact with the van. They get back however and the van is destroyed. A camera reveals that it was attacked by something. They decide to search around some more to find out what’s going on. They start disappearing until all that’s left is the older brother and one of the girls. During being chased they find themselves in more radioactive territory until their skin is burning. They get out of the building and there are headlights and people in suits. Help has arrived at last! They are saved! Except for they shoot the guy and take the girl and throw her in a room with all of the patients that were captured where she is expected to be eaten. It is revealed that the antagonist for most of the film was escaped patients that were genetically mutated humans and had developed a taste for flesh. Instead of doing what they should have done and going a more supernatural route they decided to just drop a nuclear bomb sized waste of cliché on us. Just because I am an immortal vampire does not mean I enjoy my time being wasted. Thanks Hollywood for a whopping waste of time…I still think that there should be an option for refunds if a movie sucks. I’m still waiting for my check in the mail from George Clooney for his Batman movies…

Final Rating: 1 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Dark Shadows: 3 out of 5 Bats

The next movie up to bat is Dark Shadows. I’m a vampire and the main character in the story is a vampire. Not only that, he is played by Johnny Depp one of the greatest actors of this century! I have not seen the older Dark Shadows series but this movie was a pretty fun romp for what it was. Depp teams up with his good pals Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter for the umpteenth time while Chloe Moretz probably fulfills one of her dreams to work with the both of them. Michelle Pfeiffer appears as the new head of the Collins family. Angelique is the main antagonist of the film and she one of the most annoying beings ever! She has an affair with Barnabus Collins (Johnny Depp) and year’s later tries to rekindle it. AFTER she already knows he is in love with someone else and set to get married. Most people would be sad but she is a witch so she takes it horribly by being sad and then setting out to destroy everything about Barnabus and the entire Collins family because well, she is a jealous witch (feel free to interchange the w with a b, it works both ways). Angelique cast a spell on Jolette, Barnabus’ bride to be that makes her jump off a cliff and kill herself. Barnabus doesn’t want to live without her so he throws himself off. Instead of dying, he gets back up and transforms into a vampire. Apparently, witches can cast spells to turn people into vampires now. I know witches and I know vampires and it just doesn’t work. Angelique doesn’t stop there, she turns the entire town against Barnabus and they have a classic angry lynch mob moment where they bury him in an iron coffin so he forced to be buried alive. He stays buried for 200 years…yeah, you read that right. 200 years of being buried in the Earth with nothing to think about but that evil b…or witch that killed his family and buried him alive. My entire family was killed two but had I been buried alive for that long then nothing could contain my killing spree! Barnabus is uncovered by the construction of a McDonalds. The only thing that may have been more ironic is Starbucks. He goes back to his home where he finds that his family that the town was named after and had a booming business at one time had been failing due to Angelique started a rival business just to really drive the stake home and prove what an obsessive wag she is. She finds out Barnabus is free and continues to torture him. Helena Bonham Carter plays a drunken doctor, Chloe Moretz a typical picture of teenage angst, and the youngest member of the family a little boy whose mother was killed in a ship wreck (caused by Angel-fricking-ique) but he still saw her in Ghost form. A new girl moves into the Collins house to take care of the kids and Barnabus falls in love with her. Angelique is STILL carrying a torch (are you seeing a pattern here?) and she decides to make his new love interest jump off a cliff as well. Barnabus builds a new cannery which Angelique blows to kingdom come and arranges yet ANOTHER lynch mob to attack Barnabus. He calls her out this time and they get into a showdown thus proving that she is a witch with supernatural powers. She calls upon the spirit of the house which causes wood carvings to come alive and attack everyone. Barnabus fends off some of them, Chloe Moretz turns into a werewolf (another tragedy caused by Angelique), and the boy is standing there scared. Angelique turns her attention to him and his ghost mother takes her down. Barnabus still has to go save his new love interest Victoria. She jumps against her will and he jumps down with her and turns her before they hit the rocks. They have a happily ever after…except for what resides in the water. There will most likely be a sequel. Overall this movie wasn’t the greatest but it was fun because Depp is fun. As a vampire I was slightly disappointed. Nothing will ever top the disappointment of when I watched Twilight though. Someone found out I was a vampire and began stalking me. She gave me her address and said she would leave the window open so I could watch her sleep and everything. I think her name was Hayley. She discovered I lived at the cemetery and would wait for me every night when I returned home. She wanted to become a vampire. I asked her why she was so interested in me and she whipped the cursed DVD Twilight. Foolishly I let her in and we watched it. Odin knew better. He watched the first five minutes with us and ran off presumably to scratch his other eye out. Making me watch that was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me since my family was killed. She wanted to become a vampire so I obliged and turned her. She was so happy…at least until I asked her to run outside so I could see her sparkle. Never have I ever been happier to see someone burst into flames! Vampires DO NOT sparkle. Dark Shadows gets kudos from me for staying away from sparkling nonsense. Bonus kudos for throwing in a performance by Alice Cooper!

Final Rating: 3 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu

Doctor Who: The Movie, 2 out of 5 Bats

Vangetsu here, apparently it is review time. As if Jake doesn't torture me enough now I have to do this from time to time. Oh well, vampires don't sleep much anyway. It got him to install a computer in the lid of my coffin so in the end I win. Allow me to explain a little bit about my review system. It is basically the same as the key that uses five stars only instead of stars I award bats. I'm a vampire after all. In two thousand years I have seen everything from bards, Mozart live, Led Zeppelin live, and the very first silent film ever released. Movies have came a long away throughout the years and although there may be a lack of originality lately the special effects have traversed light years.

The first movie up to bat is no stranger to time. It ties into the longest running science fiction show of all time: Doctor Who. Those of you who are familiar with Doctor Who know it has been around awhile. Since 1963 to be exact. During its tenure on the air a made for TV movie was made in 1996 simply titled Doctor Who: The Movie. This movie that held a Doctor Who title...was a far cry from anything from the continuation of the series in 2005 starring Christopher Eccleston. Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, and Matt Smith are all brilliant Doctors but Paul McGann left much to be desired. The movie starts out pretty good with Sylvester McCoy the 7th Doctor reading a book in his Tardis while traveling through space to deliver the remains of The Master to Gallifrey. The creators of this movie decided to be clever and reference a lot of timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly stuff... They had clocks galore, the Doctor was reading H.G. Wells book The Time Machine, and a record player started to skip and repeated the word "time" over...and over... and over... and over. Did I mention there were clocks? They took the cleverness and made it annoying. It was only a downhill adventure from here. The acting skills or lack thereof did nothing to add any value whatsoever to this film. Eric Roberts plays The Master, albeit after his character is possessed by the gelatinous snake resembling a Stargate Gau'uld that was the "essence" of The Master. After becoming The Master, Roberts did his best to channel The Terminator and failed. Like much of its 90's brethren the film is chock full of Chinese gangsters, oblivious women, morons galore (including a few brief scenes with Will Sasso), and of course a millennium crisis because what else could there be? I've been around more than two millennia and nothing happened either time...the world keeps on turning. This movie is for die-hard Doctor Who fans and is basically a filler between Doctor's. Keep that in mind before you sink your teeth into it. It's a good thing that I don't know how to kill myself because this film made the thought cross my mind. There is a Tardis and a Doctor and the similarities to the new series stop there. My cat Odin only has one eye, lucky little guy. No one should have to endure the content of this movie with two eyes!

Final rating: 2 out of 5 Bats

~Vangetsu