Greetings everyone! I am back by popular demand. Jake has
been merciless with his continued torture. Odin keeps him at bay a little bit,
as long as I keep him fed. Not even Jake messes with the Cat of Death. I am
still with the Legion; they have also appointed me a flamboyantly gay
partner. He is pretty cool though. I
give him a lot of flack but in the end it is nice having him around to watch my
back. Odin hasn’t expressed any dislike towards him either; so hopefully he
lives long and prospers. Sometimes it is kind of creepy feeling like someone is
in control of every little thing that happens in your life. It’s almost like
being a protagonist in a tragic novel at times. If it wasn’t for that fact that
I feel some of the crap that happens to me couldn’t possibly be made up I would
have a complex. Odin is pawing and meowing at me so I must go feed him. I will
be back in a moment…
OK! Now it is movie review time. This time I get the
pleasure of traveling back in time to an era that preceded my birth.
Noah
“My father said there can be no king. The Creator is God.” –Ham
in Noah (2014)
First off, I would like to address a lot of the controversy
surrounding this film. There are many sources that are bashing it for not using
the word God even once. Please refer to the above quote from the film. There
are many others that are bashing it for not following the Old Testament to a T
or that it wasn’t the Noah that was depicted in their Children’s story book
they read as a child. Grow the hell up. Most of the comments I have seen about
this film that complain about it not holding to scripture are transformed into
a moot point later when the commenter says, “Well, in my imagination it went
this way.” Point is; this film is the point of view of the Noah epic tale that
resides in Darren Aronofsky’s imagination. Truth is; no one really knows what
happened exactly during that time except for the people that were alive then
and God himself. Also, God is an English translation from the Hebrew text of
the four letter name YHWH (Yahweh) which isn’t mention in the film. God is
clearly mentioned once, and he is referred to as “the Creator” otherwise. Who
would “the Creator” be if not God? In addition, for reference purposes the
movie does not mention “He Who Is”, “I Am that I Am”, “Tetragrammation”, “Jehovah”,
“Allah”, etc. It also does not mention “He who shall not be named”.
The movie does a great job of filling us in on iconic events
such as the creation of the Universe, Cain killing Abel, the sin of Adam and
Eve, and the descendants of Cain and Seth. There are multiple scenes that
support the preservation of life and the world that God has given us. Most
people should have a basic fundamental understanding of the story of Noah. The
wickedness of man has gone too far. Noah and his family are the only ones that
God can entrust with following his instructions to build an ark in order to
save the species of the world and rid the world of the wickedness of the times.
Some of the major changes from the biblical text are as
follows. Instead of the fallen angels mating with the human women and forming
the first giants the fallen angels are actually supporters of humanity that
were cursed by being encapsulated in stone. They are shown as stone giants called
Watchers that have since lost their respect for humanity due to the wickedness
of the descendants of Cain. They do however have respect for Methuselah the
oldest man alive and Grandfather of Noah. They also respect God the Creator of
all. They are shown at times begging for a conference with their Creator and
wishing to be back in Heaven. Noah is supplied with the wood and resources to
build the ark by planting a magic seed originally from the Garden of Eden given
to him by Methuselah. After witnessing a miracle, the Watchers agree to aid
Noah with his task of building an ark and protect him from the descendants of
Cain. There is what I am going to refer to as “The Battle of the Ark” where the
descendants of Cain wish to take over the ark for themselves after it starts to
rain. The Battle of the Ark is one of the best scenes in the movie. When the
Watchers are killed it shows them asking for their Creator’s forgiveness and
being called home to Heaven for helping Noah with his task. The beams from
Heaven calling the Watchers home cause the descendants of Cain to be scattered.
After all of the Watchers have fallen water starts to erupt from the ground in
torrents in order to flood the world faster.
The things that take away from the film are mostly the drama
with Noah’s family. Ham is mega-douche. He however has three redeeming moments
that at the end of the movie make him a better character but still he was
annoying. The first moment is the quote at the beginning of the review, the
second is when he tries to save the woman from the pit, and the third is when
he kills the descendant of Cain. Most of his redeeming points could have been
avoided if he had not been in heat searching for a wife and again when he
nurses the descendant of Cain back to health. Ham in indirectly responsible for
the extinction of however many species the descendant of Cain eats during the
entire flood which lasts around nine months. Ham also lied to Methuselah about
taking him some berries; fucking jerk. Odin agrees with me. If your great-grandfather
is around a thousand years old you take him some damn berries.
Methuselah is one of my favorite characters from the film.
He has some great witty moments and even heals the barren girl who is Shem’s
love interest. She is barren because of an attack on her as a child by the descendants
of Cain. Methuselah is out in the woods searching for berries because Ham is a
douche. Ila the barren girl walks up to him and discusses basically how she isn’t
worthy of Shem because she can’t provide him with children. Methuselah touches
her abdomen and heals her. She obviously feels a shift inside of her. The next
part confused me. She runs off and has sex with Shem. They are supposed to be
looking for Ham but they decide to take a break. Later, Ila is surprised that
she is pregnant. Wasn’t the whole point of the sex to reveal how excited you
were that Methuselah healed you? Why are you surprised you are now pregnant?
Noah is furious about the pregnancy. He believes that
humanity was supposed to die out after the flood. He tells Ila and Shem that if
they have a girl he will cut her down. Ila gives birth to twin girls. A sign that
Naameh, Noah’s wife takes to mean that now there are wives for the other two
sons Ham and Japheth. At the time of limited people, it was not unusual for
families to marry within each other; Uncle-Husbands, Cousin-wives, etc. Noah
still thinks this is poppycock. He has a change of heart and lets them live.
God the Creator stops talking to him for awhile which Noah took to mean that he
did something wrong. I kept thinking that it was God’s way of saying, “Hey,
something is wrong. A descendant of Cain is killing creatures on the ship. Take
care of him!” Why Noah translated the silence to mean kill babies I have no
clue. I imagine God thinking, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, why in the Holy name of Me do
you think I wanted you to kill babies? Perhaps you have had too much to drink
Noah. Lay off the juice for bit would you?”
In the end, there was a rainbow; God’s promise to never
flood the Earth again. There are much worse films to watch than Noah. It has
some flaws (none of which have anything to do with the current controversy
surrounding the film) but it is worth checking out. There are some really cool
cinematography moments when Noah is submerged in the water, the creation of the
Universe, and of course The Battle of the Ark. However, the creation of the
Universe scene and the passing of time scene when the Garden of Eden seed was
growing are quite jerky and nauseating much like the plague of cameras in found
footage films.
Final Rating: 3 out of 5 Bats.
~ Vangetsu
